Gentlemen, locate your whites....

As we stand on the cusp of what promises to be either a brutal maiming (in terms of grievous bodily harm or just the crippling of our collective ego) or an unexpectedly fortunate day in the sun for the BMM boys, I thought I'd take the time to look at what we've 'achieved' thus far. Or failing that, just a little recap of the events that transpired, leading up to today's final practice before the draws are made (where incidentally, I suspect that bastard Raakhe's gonna make us face-off against the toughest team in the competition. BASTARD!!).

Back to the day that the team was made, and Jayesh's exhuberance. The delight on his face at being nominated for captaincy and the enthusiasm with which he was planning practice sessions, batting, bowling and catching routines etc. etc. A stunning contrast to the withered and world-weary expression that adorns his face everytime the word 'practice' is mentioned. (I'm not lying!!) People were falling over each other (or such was my understanding of the situation) to get their name on the squadsheet. O, to be one of those fifteen shortlisted people! Anyway, the first practice session was scheduled for the very first day and about 12 or 13 intrepids ventured to Chowpatty, including Joslin Harris, braving torn knee ligaments, but still strutting his stuff. The Wilson College Gymkhana was taken over by some wedding. So Chowpatty was the venue. And at first, it was good. Short range catches, long range catches, people cheering each other on for every effort-... and that's when things got out of control. RELAY RACES?!?! You must be joking!!! With bruised fingers and swollen thumbs, an ice-pack would have been way more welcome. But, you can't get everything you want. So we went along with it..VERY SLOWLY.

The second practice was actually held at the College Gymkhana on a true pitch, it has to be said. It must be added that this was the only time we got to play on a pitch that was ACTUALLY intended for the sport of cricket and not the minefield we tackle these days. But that's a different story. Dhruva, Jayesh, Darius and Ritesh (in no particular order) showed off their batting prowess, while the rest of us (significantly fewer in number to the previous day) toiled manfully with the ball. "Line and Length!!" Special mention must go out to that wastrel Mathew and his 'sitting-around-holding-his-allegedly-injured-hand' antics and play-by-play commentary.

The next time I turned up to practice, we'd been relegated to a little patch in front of the Gymkhana, the aforementioned MINEFIELD! On first viewing, it looks decent enough. One or two stones here and there, a couple of divets sprinkled all over and a wee bit of undulation. Insignificant in terms of playing any noticeable role in affecting the trajectory or bounce of the ball. Right? Tell that to Sahirr. The Justin Langer, Hasan Raza or Lanka DeSilva of our team has taken his fair shar-... in fact, MORE than his fair share of blows, bumps and bruises. I suppose Shahvan could be added to that list. Not to forget, Darius' debut onto that list today. This minefield is a horrendous place to play any form of cricket. Firstly, the setting sun glares straight into the hapless batsman's eyes. Plus, the sheer volume of people on that field, whistling and screaming, "ball ball ball" is seriously unnerving. Finally, and most pertinently, the bounce there is scary, make no mistake about it. The ball will either scuttle through at ankle height or spring up monstrously and fly past the ears. Vivek, being a keen exploiter of the latter quality of this pitch, has a few tales to tell about this phenomenon, I'm sure.

I was fortunate enough to survive the horrors of batting there today. Saved by the guy watering the field, who politely informed us that we were to fuck off from there. A curtailed practice session later, it dawned on us that it was probably the last rehearsal. And all through this, there's hardly any sign of our Ranji Trophy-playing specimen.

All said and done, we're not quite the Lagaan team, as previously hoped. At least, they had some semblance of a balance. We appear to have nothing but bowlers in our team; a fact made worse by the fact that burly pinch-hitter extraordinaire, Vikram Shah has been sidelined with exam-related unavailability and the double-whammy provided by Hakimuddin Liliyawala's overall indifference and apathy to the cause. I bet he could smash some quickfire runs on demand. Oh well! With the match-ups to be drawn on Friday and Sports Day tomorrow, the next time we take the field will, in all probability, be on D-day. Here's hoping that the ENTIRE team turns up then, bumps, bruises and all.

Oh!! I almost forgot. Special steps will have to be taken to ensure that as much time as is humanly possible, is spent in Roop's slanderous and verbally abusive company. Sledging will prove to be the clincher in this tournament and we'll need all the help we can get. Hehehe...


Karan Pradhan
President,
Andre Nel Fan Club for People with Nothing Better to do.