blue christmas

sometimes its just one of those things you cannot explain...i mean you can be a most of thing sto a lot of people...everything would seem so straightforward, so clear cut...
this time of year is magical. its not just religious in my opinion its magical...it gets into you...it does a lot to you...it gets you to become so happy...sometimes i feel it should always be christmas....because christmas transcends barriers of race and religion and you dont have to be catholic or protestant or even christian to enjoy this beautiful time....christmas now has taken on a new meaning in urban bombay....it means the youth have a reason to party...a reason to celebrate big...it doesnt mean the same to me....christmas means a lot to me...
i love christmas....i love it a lot...but this year around was easily the most hollow christmas i ve ever had...it didnt feel like christmas...it didnt feel like it at all....i guess christmas takes on a a different meaning for me...christmas is the greatest reminder of my mother...christmas became so important because of her...she made it so special she made it like a real feeling...i would meet my cousins,my aunts my uncles....everyone...we would go for mass and enjoy the party...we would eat sweets.....go carolling (yes once) .....decorate the tree....go christmas shopping.... i ll never forget the feast i d have every christmas... the turkey, the bread the stuffing...everything....the plum cake too... lets not forget the drinks though....the port wine...the whisky...the red wine...and of course the rum.....the family of all the ages would come together and well, get drunk...wake the next morning... hungover (all of us including my 70 year old great aunts and uncles) ... go for mass in the morning and almost fall asleep (ok always fall asleep) .....
but my mom left years ago.... still i would meet her for christmas... i would meet my cousins on occasion...i would meet most of my family.... but less and less i see them...there are no parties anymore....just demanding ones....they ask me to buy a pass to go to a nightclub for 2000 rupees...for what? for christmas? .....thats just not happening...there is no more christmas tree..i dont have the heart to bring it down and i dont have the soul to decorate it...there is no more carolling, i dont even remember most of the words anymore...i dont meet my cousins anymore...i havent bought anyone a christmas gift nor has anyone given me one...i havent kissed my cousins on the cheeks under the mistletoe, i havent even meet them for a few months or so...all these things dont feel so good anymore...
everyday i forget more and more abt my mother....but my memories of christmas with her are very strong.... she has her own life now with her own family... im there sometimes... but at other times im not.... i miss christmas.... i miss what it uused to mean to me.... i dont see the point of celebrating it anymore.... i dont understand it anymore... i miss my mother the most during christmas... i feel really empty during this time of year... just like peter parker ( i love my comic books and sometimes they sum life up so well) and what he said in spider-man blue: (i ve spoken abt it many times in the past) "i guess when i try to some up how i get this time of year....i feel blue...not like i ve been dipped in with the tidy bowl man, but like in music, in jazz...in feeling blue....."
its been a very difficult 48 hours.... christmas eve and christmas day....i m not really a mommas boy... i really miss her much during the rest of the year...i think bat her occasionally....but its christmas that reminds about my mother...im so happy that im going to meet her tomorrow....to meet her on boxing day is a kind of redemption... shes gonna give me the home made christmas sweets she makes very year... i love them a lot.... i always share them with friends...in doing that im sharing my christmas with them.... i feel really blue cause i really miss christmas....i feel really blue cause this year like all the others this time reminds me most of my mother...in short christmas is my mother.... in short this was a blue christmas for me..

siddhant 25th december 2006.....11:55 pm ( im sorry to bring you guys down but writing makes me feel better..and no pity please)